Alias Series Finale

** POTENTIAL SERIES ENDING SPOILERS CONTAINED INSIDE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. **

Grade: C

A finale I really wanted to like ended up having way too many plot holes. Lost fans now have no excuse.

The first two seasons of Alias still stand as some of the most brilliant, innovative television ever done (hence the link to season 2, which rocked). Unfortunately, you had to watch it from the beginning to really get into the intricate stories and characters. So when the network realized it had a hit on its hands, it instructed the show to dumb it down–make it easier to catch up for new viewers, make the episodes stand by themselves a bit more. So you had the first wipe, when the super-secret SD-6 was wiped out leaving just the core characters. But that wasn’t interesting, so a new super-SUPER-secret organization was revealed, which wasn’t as cool as SD-6 but plugged along until it too was demolished in a fit of appeasing the lowest common denominator watching ABC. Then their star got pregnant, and in a fit of desperation to keep the hard-core fans wanting more, they created a super-SUPER-SUPERDUPER-secret organization that, in reality, was the first super-secret organization but, you know, with a really bold descriptor before secret. And they killed the male lead because the star broke up with him and had a daughter with Ben Affleck. And they introduced a host of new characters that nobody cared about to take away from the fact that the star could no longer run or jump or do anything spy-ish because she was pregnant.

In other words, Alias sucked.

So it was no surprise that they decided to end the show. So I watched, wondering how they’d end the series, especially given the creator’s current endeavour Lost. Alias had some mysteries that needed wrapping up too, so this might be an interesting omen.

While the last few episodes leading up to the finale were interesting, the finale ultimately failed to deliver. Giant plot holes attempting to cover up for earlier changes were glaring and unbelievable. They brought Vaughn back from the dead (see, he never died, we tricked you) without acknowledging all those scenes where Sydney was, you know, devastated by his death. If she knew he was dead all along, sure she’d be sad that he had to go into hiding, but certainly not to the extent they showed her. I mean, she’s a spy. Suck it up if he’s alive. No, he was dead and they took too much stuff from fans to not cave in and bring him back. Huge plot hole. Another big plot hole: in an attempt to wipe out the super-SUPER-SUPERDUPER-secret organization they send all their agents to, get this, take pictures of the 12 leaders. Then, having the pictures firmly posted to a wall, they now pronounce they know who they are dealing with and they can take them all out. Um, last I checked, if you could take a picture of someone, you could, you know, shoot them. And if they didn’t know who the people were to shoot, how did they know to take pictures of them? And why the heck was Marshall, a computer guy, sent to take a picture when they had another field agent (Rachel) who did nothing? Note to any actual spy agencies out there–if you know about a 12-member group trying to destroy the world: take the gun, leave the Polaroid.

There were other plot holes, mostly smaller, then you get the whammy near the end. Jack and Syndey are in Mongolia and Jack’s taken three bullets to the chest. The medical chopper is coming in, but it’s 30 minutes away. Jack bravely tells Sydney to go, since she has to make it to Hong Kong to stop her mother and save the world. So he has Vaughn go get the truck.

Um, what? Hong Kong is not, I repeat, not within driving distance of Mongolia. If he was sacrificing himself, how about having her wait for the helicopter and taking that to, you know, an airport? But no, the script called for him to stay behind and blow himself up so that the really bad guy who comes back from the dead could be pinned under a massive stone column. (Incidentally, how is that bad? Since he keeps getting healed, couldn’t he eventually chip away at the column with his fingernails and get out? Might take a while, but he’s got eternal life.)

Oh, and the final fight over the ultimate Rimbaldi artifact (a glass globe, because all the hip 15th century prophets love them some glass globes) takes place and, here’s the kicker, we never find out what it does. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, five years of mystery and you get no answers. How’s Lost looking now, people?

Given what the creative team had to work with, namely the last 2 seasons, they did the best they could to wrap up the series with a little bit of dignity. But too many plot holes from trying to cover too much ground made the end result a mixed bag. Could it have been worse? Sure. But it could have been so much better.

Will & Grace Finale

Grade: F

Puts the ‘F’ back in Finale.

Wow. Just wow. I watched Will & Grace when it first came on. I thought it was okay, but it got better over time. It actually had a few fun episodes. Then at some point it became tired, old, stale. They kept repeating the same jokes. They flooded shows with guest stars–ones that either couldn’t act or acted better than half the cast. So even though the TiVo kept recording the show, we started deleting them a long time ago.

No surprise the show was ending, but with all the hoopla about the series finale we sat down to watch it this past weekend. I cannot recall a single series finale that was that bad. No, not bad. Horrible. Painful. Shockingly awkward, obvious, and…here’s the clincher…not funny.

This is truly a low point. I’m a sucker for good-byes. I may not have liked a character on a show and if they kill him/her off, I feel bad. Long-running shows ending usually get me. The finale of Cheers…fuhgedaboutit. Thought of those few final seconds still brings chills.

So what in creation were the creative teams thinking when they made this finale? It was boring, jumping all over time to show that the relationship everyone watched for a few years ultimately didn’t matter. Only to have the characters jump ahead 20 years (and then, for some strange reason, back) to say that they didn’t change. Um, what? You either did change or you didn’t, make up your dang minds.

Then, to put to rest any idea that this show made sense, they have the two most colorful characters first admit they’re supporting characters (oh wow, that’s so funny because it’s breaking the 4th wall and aren’t they SOOO innovative) and then, for absolutely no reason of plot or sanity, they decide to sing a song. Don’t get me wrong, Megan Mullally has a great voice, but this reeked of “I never got to sing in this show and I WANNNNAAAA sing!!” Please.

Compare this to the great finales. Cheers: Sam telling the anonymous patron the bar is closed. Cosby Show: the two leads literally dancing off of the set into the audience. Friends: everyone leaving their key to that famous apartment. Heck, even the Dawson’s Creek finale made better use of flashbacks/forwards than this did.

The only good thing about the Will & Grace finale is that it’s off the air. Shark Jumping: 1, Will & Grace: 0.

Reason #4,298,583 why Mrs Hose rocks

Because she conspired with some of my other family members to get me this for my birthday. Took a bit to install, but got it done and it’s fantastic to listen to radio without having to listen to commercials! This is what annoyed me the most about free radio–I can’t count the number of times I would flip between the two or three radio stations I listen to and all of them would be on commercial. Sure, sometimes I would flip to a CD, but I would get bored with that since I would know what was coming up. Even on shuffle I knew what the potential next song could be. And since my stereo doesn’t have a tape player I didn’t have a decent way to listen to my iPod in the car (I’ve tried the FM transmitters and they don’t work well enough).

Luckily, the Sirius receivers have a really kick butt FM transmitter–music sounds like it’s coming from the CD player or over the free airwaves. Truly awesome gift and one that makes my hour or so daily commute (that’s combined, not one way) so much easier to handle.

Kingdom of Heaven

Grade: C-

Finally, a film that shows why Gladiator was so good.

I’ll admit it–I loved Gladiator. Apparently this is an uncool movie to love, as it is regarded by many a movie fan to be one of the worst films to win the Best Movie Oscar. I didn’t understand the complaints–yes, I it was a bit long but I thought every part was important and you had a great character in Maximus with a fantastic performance by Russell Crowe. I thought it all worked, that you cared about the characters and the conflict. It felt real while still being dramatic, not too cartoony. Plus the visuals were amazing–it felt real, genuine.

Kingdom of Heaven tries to be Gladiator and it fails. Orlando Bloom may be one of the hot young actors, but he lacks the depth to pull off a tortured soul. He looks pouty and whiny when he’s supposed to be struggling with his faith and the will to live. While I’m sure this makes ‘tween and teen girls swoon, it made me wince.

The story too is sadly lacking. We’re barely given a reason to care about the main character before he’s thrust into his Grand Adventure. We’re barely given a reason to understand why he takes up the struggles he does or why he becomes the character he becomes at the end. And we’re given almost no reason at all for his final decision that the movie turns around. Sure, there’s an attempt to explain this all, but it all feels forced in, like when you pound that one jigsaw puzzle piece onto another because you’re sure that’s where it goes.

The visuals are a mixed bag. For most of the movie they’re horrible, and for a movie that tries to be epic it feels more like a low-budget film. The end is all that saves this movie from an even lower grade–the long battle sequence at the end is very impressive. Ridley Scott handles these sequences with expertise, but the editing was a little choppy at times.

The link here is for the extended Director’s Cut, which I admit I didn’t see. But perhaps this one is better than what made it to theaters and HBO. However, given the normal versions 2.5 hour running time, I doubt I’ll be watching any extended versions anytime soon.

But after seeing this movie, there can be little doubt why Gladiator won the Oscar and will forever be remembered as a much better film. Where Gladiator succeeded, Kingdom of Heaven failed. Where Kingdom of Heaven somewhat succeeded, Gladiator excelled. And if Maximus ever mat Balian on the field of battle, Maximus would totally kick Balian’s butt.

Tales From Earthsea

Grade: C+

Fantasy with an agenda is not a recipe for success.

For LeGuin to get a C+ on this book is a huge disappointment for me. Don’t get me wrong, at her worst she’s better than 95% of the authors out there, and very few fantasy authors even hold my interest anymore these days. But this collection of short stories that take place in Earthsea masquerading as a complete novel is incredibly frustrating.

I don’t know if LeGuin always felt bad about her lack of interesting female characters in the original Earthsea trilogy, or if later events forced her to reevaluate her earlier works, but this collection all deals with women in Earthsea–basically the same topic dealt with in Tehanu. While it was somewhat interesting in Tehanu, it’s now been done. Each story here, though, focuses on some new aspect. How women are unfairly treated like second-class citizens, how their efforts are overlooked, how their powers are seen as evil while men’s powers are good, etc. We get the point. We got it in Tehanu. So LeGuin’s need to constantly repeat it must be driven by something else. I don’t know if it’s her guilt or what–but this collection certainly isn’t for children and it isn’t even that interesting.

The basic stories do have some good points, and we get some glimpses into Earthsea’s history and earlier chapters, but this still pales in comparison to the original trilogy.

One book left for Earthsea, which I’ll probably finish just for the sake of completeness–but I have lower expectations now. Sad, really.

A History of Violence

Grade: B

A compelling look at violence on par with Unforgiven, but not as profound.

Unforgiven broke ground when it took a hard look at the violence inherent in the western genre. Clint Eastwood’s character was both inside the trappings of a cowboy and outside the role as a family man forced back into the world. What made the movie so brilliant was how it perfectly captured both sides of the equation–the horror of the violence and the brutal necessity of it within that world.

A History of Violence follows this path but doesn’t live up Unforgiven’s legacy. Partly because it’s already been done, but mostly because both sides of the equation aren’t dealt with here. We have the horror of violence as seen from a complete outsiders perspective. That’s the point of the movie, but it doesn’t work as well since it doesn’t handle the flip side.

Still, we do get a fascinating look at the violence inside us all. As Viggo Mortensen deals with his own nature, his own history, we catch brief glimpses of his family also dealing with the violence that has been a part of their lives all along. The fact that it went unacknowledged or unperformed simply makes it that much more brutal and shocking when it does, and the question of how it can be integrated into their final lives is never addressed. That may be the kind of vaguery that critics love, but as a story it fails to meet the expectation set by Unforgiven.

Two for the Money

Grade: B

Interesting look at sports gambling, but some casting choices make this unbelievable.

Al Pacino is great, as usual, and even McConaughey does well. But Rene Russo as a former junkie who’s so hot that McConaughey hits on her despite her having a 6-year old and his attempting to bang every professional model that crosses the screen? Nope.

Sadly, this isn’t a sub-plot–this is a crucial element of the main personal storyline that drives the movie. Sure, there’s the whole sports betting thing and the rise and fall of a guy who picks winners, but you see that coming a mile away. What sets this movie apart is the personal aspect, and this casting choice really, really gets in the way.

I was expecting Boiler Room meets Rounders. Instead I got The Replacements meets Golden Girls. Entertaining, but not quite fully satisfying.